Memories of the Past, Visions of the Future
by misstmuse
Summary: NOT EC! At least so far. I'm not sure where it will go, but Christine is with Raoul. After the musical takes place, what happens when Christine begins to question her actions. My first phanfic, please RR!
1. The Letter

Disclaimer - I own none of the characters. The ideas are my own, but the rest I owe to Gaston Leroux, Susan Fay, and Andrew Lloyd Webber.

_I sighed. What was I going to do? I knew that it was Erik…my Erik. He was wearing the mask of Don Juan. I had no choice. If I didn't expose him, something else horrible would happen. Hadn't I caused enough as it was? Was I supposed to let him hurt more people? I had no idea what he had done to Piangi – to steal his costume – or had he made the costume himself? I had no idea. The music in the background, the song we were singing, I couldn't help it. I ripped his mask off, showing him to all of Paris, all of the world. What else could I have done?_

I woke with a start. The dream had come back. I looked next to me in the bed. Raoul, my darling was watching me. "Christine, you were singing in your sleep." I looked at him in astonishment. I talked occasionally, yes, but singing? Was it even possible? He looked at me harder. "You were dreaming of him again, weren't you? Of that night?" I nodded silently. He wrapped his arms around me, and we lay back down together. I fell asleep again quickly, and awoke the next morning rested. I rolled out of bed silently, as Raoul would sleep for another hour while I prepared breakfast.

On the table was yet another note. Nadir had been here again, bringing the letters from Erik. He knew enough about our schedule that if he came early in the morning, I would receive the note, read it, and have a reply ready on the table the next morning.

_Christine,_

_Mon ange.__ I thought of you again today, as I played Don Juan. I heard it ring throughout the Opera Populaire, and thought I heard you singing it. You must come to visit again. It has been a month since your last, and I believe it is time again. You must not stop your singing, it is a gift few can boast of._

_I remain, _

_Erik_

I stopped. Raoul must never see this note. The others had been trite, asking perhaps for a visit. I tried to go through the labyrinth often, for Erik had no one aside from herself, Nadir, and Ayesha. The last time I had sang for him. What a mistake. I could never take back the powerful duet of our voices reunited, the memories that it brought back. Erik, who could make my soul feel alive as no other. Was it possible that I still cared for him? Raoul thought him a monster, I knew him for the caring creature he was while I was around. He would protect me and guide me, my voice and my character. I longed to go back, to stay, more voice lessons. Raoul would never allow it.

I darted from the room to the library, where I had a fire warming the cold room. I tossed the note in, and watched it burn. I didn't want to stay here anymore, but I didn't want to live with Erik. Perhaps I really was the child that everyone believed I was, unable to make a decision.

----------------------

This is my first attempt...so please R/R and let me know what you think!


	2. A Confrontation

Disclaimer – the characters belong to Gaston Leroux. Susan Kay made them wonderful, and ALW made them sing for me. I own none of the characters, although they have my heart, soul, and they would have my body – if I could find a comfortable shipping box.

-------------------------------------

Raoul was moving around. I hurried back into the kitchen. I had been so long in my dreams, memories, worries, that I hadn't started breakfast. I began to work quickly, throwing things into skillets. My cooking was sub par normally, so perhaps Raoul would think nothing was different. _I believe it is time again_…Erik, I can't visit. No more. I couldn't get the simple lines of his note out of my head. I wished I could. I heard Raoul enter the kitchen behind me. "Remember, my angel. Acting is a lifelong thing. You must always be prepared." I took the advice of my teacher, and put on a smile. "Good morning, Raoul. How did you sleep?"

Raoul kissed me lightly on the cheek, "Quite well." He sat down at the table in the small kitchen, and I placed his plate in front of him. "Do you have any plans for today?" He took a bite of the eggs, and made a face. "Interesting, again, my darling." He would never understand why I didn't want servants to come in and do the household chores for me, so that I could escape, brave the world. again. I had rarely left the house – except for my visits to Erik and Nadir – since the Don Juan fiasco, almost a year ago. I enjoyed taking care of our little apartment, cooking and cleaning.

"No plans. After all, I must wash the bedclothes and clean the rugs." And visit Erik…the thought came unbidden into my mind. Would I? Could I? Raoul would be at work all day, not coming home until at least 6. That would give me time to go to Erik, and explain why I must never see him again. Why the visits and notes must stop. I had a new life, one with Raoul. Life must stay that way.

Seemingly moments later, Raoul was on his way to the office and I was alone in the apartment. I cleaned the rugs and the bedclothes. The tasks I had told Raoul would take all day took only a few hours, leaving me with the entire afternoon to do as I pleased. I had to go. There was nothing else for me to do.

I put my cloak on, and pulled the hood over my head. I exited the apartment and made my way through Paris to the opera house. I entered silently, and worked my way down slowly. I got to the lake and called for Erik. The boat was not on my side of the lake, so perhaps Nadir was visiting as well. That would make it so much easier. I heard movement in the water, and soon the boat appeared, being poled along by Erik. He looked surprised to see me, but helped me into the boat and began the journey back across the lake.

I settled into the boat, making the trip as I had many times before – lost in my thoughts. Erik began to hum a melody I knew too well, and I sang the words quietly under my breath – I have come here, that our passions may fuse and burn – then stopped myself. I couldn't be sucked into his trap again. I wouldn't let myself.

I took a deep breath. "Erik, we need to talk. About the notes, about us." I could feel his eyes on me as I spoke, although it was too dark to see anything. "I care for you Erik. But it must stop. I'm happy with Raoul now. I can't come to visit anymore."

"Hush, child. This will wait until we are off the boat and on the other side." Erik felt a twinge in his heart. She couldn't be leaving him for good, could she? It was all a silly plot, planted in her mind by Monsieur de Chagny. His Christine would never think of this on her own.

The boat ride ended quickly, and Erik helped me out of the boat again. He led me into his sitting room, and everything was still there. The organ, the coffin, and Ayesha. I had been making progress with the beautiful cat, but it seemed to have all been thrown out the window, as if she could tell why I was there. Nadir was sitting in a chair. He nodded as I came in. "Miss Christine, a pleasure." I curtseyed delicately.

Erik motioned me to a chair near the organ. "Angel, finish what you were saying in the boat."

"Erik, you must stop this…madness. You cannot write me more letters, and this must be my last visit. I'm no longer who you think I am. I know you wish to think of me as a child of music. Of your music. But that's not who I am. I've grown up. Erik, we just can't do this anymore." I began to cry. I knew that his heart was breaking with my words, but they needed to come out. I felt a hand on top of my head, and I looked up, shocked Erik would come this close.

"Christine, my angel, why? Why?" Those words. He had spoken them before, that fateful night. I shook my head.

"That's how it must be, Erik. My life with Raoul is getting better all the time. I…I…" I couldn't bring myself to say it. Raoul didn't even know. I wiped my tears away. "Erik, I'm no longer anyone's child. I am my own person, I make my choices. I made one that night. I choose it again. I choose Raoul!" I stood and ran out of the room, fleeing to the entrance to the outside. I unlatched the lock, and slipped out. A hand grabbed my arm. I almost screamed, thinking it was Erik coming to bring me back. It was Nadir.

"Miss Christine, you can't do this. Allow him to write the letters. You need not respond. But if you take away all his lines of communication…" he fell quiet, searching for words. "I fear he is living only for you. For the promise he made you. If you leave him again, there is no telling what he may do to return you to him. Please, receive the letters. Read them. Then destroy them."

Christine looked at him, deep into his dark dark eyes. "I'm moving on. Erik must be out of my life. Raoul is mine now, and I can't let him go. I'm sorry." With that, I turned and fled through the streets, thinking only of home.


	3. The Opera again?

Disclaimer – I own none of the Phantom characters. It's just that simple.

Author's note – Yes, I know it's not E/C. I have no idea where I'm going with it, so I can't tell you what it will be at the end. It's kind of writing itself.

------------------------------------------------

The streets seemed long. I had spent more time than I thought in Erik's home. I couldn't allow Raoul to come home and not find me there, waiting for him, as I had been every other day. I cared too much for him. As I ran, my thoughts went back to the place I least wanted them to go. Erik. He was finally gone, out of my life. I should feel happy, elated. And yet there was something tugging at my heart, longing for me to notice. I couldn't still care for him.

I almost ran past the apartment. I noticed it just in time, and turned in. I had almost fifteen minutes before Raoul would arrive, so I sat down to allow myself a chance to calm down. I lay down on the couch, closing my eyes for a moment. A vision swam in front of them. Why couldn't I get him off my mind? The white mask floated before me, and I opened my eyes and shook my head. It disappeared, and I stood up. I needed to start dinner.

As I was cooking, Raoul came in. He pulled me tightly against him, pecking me gently on the cheek. He had brought me flowers. My heart melted, and he put them in a vase on the table. Soon after, we were eating a simple dinner, talking about his day. I made no mention of my visit to Erik, as I knew Raoul would have wanted me to stay away from him. I laughed at Raoul's silly stories, always being attentive and polite. After the dishes were cleaned and put away, we settled next to each other on the couch. Raoul looked to the piano, then quickly averted his eyes. We sat next to each other on the couch for hours, simply talking. The mention of my singing hadn't come up, and yet I could tell that Raoul – as he always did – wanted to hear me sing. I hadn't for him yet, using my voice only when I was alone in the house. Finally I looked him straight in the eyes. "Do you want to hear me sing?" He started, then raised one eyebrow delicately.

"Only if you would like to. You know I wish to force nothing on you." He took my hand gently, bringing it to his lips.

I smiled. "I shall." I walked to the piano, and began to play, notes coming unbidden from the dark recesses of my memory. I began to sing, Think of Me, from Hannibal. The opera where I had made my debut. The words began to pour from my lips.

Think of me, think of me fondly when we've said goodbye

Remember me, once in a while please promise me you'll try

Raoul looked at me. I stopped playing. "What is it, darling?"

"Christine, that song, Why that song?" He looked at me intently. "You must never sing that song again. It brings back memories…of him."

I knew at once whom he meant. "Raoul, we must stop living in the past. Those days that you fear are over. Erik is no more a part of my life." I realized something. "Raoul, I want to go back. Not to Erik, but to the opera. I can't live like this anymore, shutting myself off from the world. I need contact again. For so long I was scared that he would come after me, forcing me back with him." Raoul looked shocked. "But my fears are gone, they're gone darling! I'm not afraid of him anymore. He can't hurt me any longer. I want to go back. I need to go back." I walked over to Raoul and grabbed his hands, pulling him to his feet. I looked deep into his eyes. "Please, if you ever loved me, you'll let me do this."

He looked at me, surprised. His eyes were wide, staring in unbelief. "If you're sure, Christine, there's nothing I can do to stop you. I never wanted you to stop singing with the opera because of …him. I just want you to promise to be careful. If he knows that you're back, he might try something again."

I put one finger to his lips, quieting him. "I trust him, Raoul. He cared for me, and he always will. He respects my word, and will do nothing more to harm me. When he let us go that night, I made him promise to stay alive, but to always comply with what I wish. I shall…write him a note, and give it to Nadir. I know he is still around, I see him occasionally, Erik must ask him to watch over me. I will tell Erik that I am coming back, and although he may come to watch me, I shall take no lessons, and I shall not see him again."

"Christine, if you are sure, then you have my blessing. I wish you the best. Come, we must go to the Opera Populaire tonight. We shall find a way for you to begin to sing again." I smiled. He was going to let me go back. I needed this. It had been in the back of my mind for quite some time, but I had always been scared that Erik would reclaim me. After the visit today, I had found the strength and the trust that he would leave me alone if I so desired.

Raoul and I changed quickly, suddenly happy that we had eaten dinner so early. He called for the carriage, and off we went to the opera house. La Carlotta was still the prima donna, and Meg, darling Meg was now head girl of the dance corps. Msrs. Andre and Firmin were still running the show, and of course, Madame Giry was still being as strict as ever with the dancers. It was almost entirely the same as when I had left – except of course with the replacement of Piangi by Monsieur Satulari. As we listened, I realized that Satulari had a much better tone than Piangi, and could portray the characters more realistically than Piangi ever had.

When the show was over, Raoul and I went to the office to wait for Andre and Firmin. When they came in, together as always, they looked surprised to see me there. "Miss Christine, what are you doing out?" "What did you think of the show?" "Is there something wrong, Christine?" Their questions flew at me, and I brushed them all off.

"Actually, I have a question for both of you." They sat down in the chairs and looked at me, waiting. "Would it be possible for me to come back to the opera? I know that I've been away for quite some time now, but I feel that I'm ready to come back. I realize that La Carlotta is the prima, but is there a way that I could begin again?"

They sat across from me, their mouths hanging wide open. "Please wait a moment, Monsieur de Chagny and Christine." They got up and walked to the door. Standing outside, but not actually closing the door, parts of their conversation could be heard and understood. "Leaving…ghost…perhaps again…replacement…" I wondered what replacement they were looking for, and I felt silly for not having explained to them that there would be no more mishaps with the…with Erik.

They came back in and took their seats again. "Christine, we have come to a decision."


End file.
